2’s vs Uclan 1’s

As I write this report on a bleak yet mild Tuesday afternoon, having completed half of all my university hours for the week, I reflect on the last week as an Owens player. The result, as we shall soon see, was not what we mighty 2’s needed, in fact had we won aforementioned game we would be sitting pretty in 2^nd place in the league. We arrived at UCLAN having already heard the news of the 1’s game being cancelled despite it being on after the 4’s game, which went ahead. The pride of the Owens now rested on our shoulders and the pressure appeared to be showing after a lacklustre warm up where our resident tantrum thrower Bieber seemed to be close to tears just before the match begun, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jf3nFz4xzNE. Despite the apparent lack of enthusiasm in the warm up the Owens started brightly, with Chris Symes, out of his usual right back position, running the show in the midfield. Around 15 minutes in, the ball found it’s way to our very own model Dave Scarrett. Now I shall take a quick break from the match to give all those who do not know a little story.

   It was recently our beloved teenage pop sensations 21^st birthday and none other then his sister came to visit, http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100001945813755. This of course meant fair game to old Scarrett and on this last Thursday he was all over her. But for those who remember the old scaz he has lost his touch of late. This meant that when the time came for him to pounce on his unsuspecting victim he did nothing of the sort. I have it upon good authority that he even shared a bed with her but only ended up spooning her http://www.reactionface.info/sites/default/files/images/1311948270220.jpg. But enough of scarrett’s lack of form in the bedroom, back to the game.

  The ball came to him on the left wing and he got past the uclan defender like he was struggling to remember which sport he was playing. The run continued down the line to the base line where everyone bar the umpire saw the ball had left the pitch and scaz crossed it in, leaving the uclan defence having a fit and our angry Irish man Hayhurst to slot home from close range. From this point onwards the tide of the game switched and uclan began to see more and more of the ball. Was it not for some good tackles from bloggs and decent saves from Bieber we would have been in much more trouble. But it seemed as though we would make it to half time 1-0 up. That is until I decided to get involved. It was a simple 16 situation; I passed the ball to Matt Darley who promptly passed it back to me. Granted the pass was a little wayward but nothing most people couldn’t handle. However for reasons unbeknownst to me or anyone else on the pitch I fell, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eNiou6gdVEE, whilst flailing around on the floor like, as Gillard letter worded it, a beached whale, uclan centre forward decided to pop and do something useful for his team and despite my attempts to swipe away his knee caps he ran through to score. Half time and 1-1. With D.O.D pretty much decided we thought we would concentrate on the next 35 minutes. With some loud and inspiring words from Mowgli we set ourselves for the second half. The first 10 of the second half started as the first finished with uclan all over us. There only tactic was to smack the ball into the D and hope someone was there, unfortunately for us someone was. 2-1 down and 25 minutes to go, the owens boys finally started to pick up their game. 21 of the 22 men on the pitch were almost camped in the uclan half but it appeared our forwards had decided to leave their scoring shoes at home and let chance after chance slip through their fingers (most noteably gillard missing a perfect through ball from yours truly which would of left him 1 on 1). The occasional counter attack came through and with his tantrum over Bieber pulled off some cracking saves to keep the game alive. Unfortunately the time ran out and the owens had failed to achieve what we had so desperately wanted to. In the final five minutes few things occurred that were worth a mention, other then scarrett attempting to launch an aerial and succeeding to launch the ball off the back of the pitch. Final score 2-1 loss. A quick mention to Matt Mackichan, who was busy saving lives for our game but pitched out for the 3’s and failed to stop a 6-1 drumming. Poor effort. All that was left for the owens boys now was to grab some food and then drink ourselves stupid. This somehow became difficult as croston claimed to know where he was going and in actual fact had no clue. So another week gone and another loss for the mighty 2’s, but next week sees a home tie against a team we beat with just 10 men (I was busy eating a pie and drinking beer watching football with senior bruce). Lets hope next week’s report can be filled with wondrous description of champagne hockey.

MOM: Chris symes for running a lot

DOD: Bruce, for impersonating a beached whale and failing to inspire a victory yet again

Owens Love,

Bruce 

MMU Cheshire 2’s were the unfortunate oppo for the day and if anything not getting too complacent was our biggest challenge; they are a good 4 leagues below us and worst of all are the poly of a poly, my sincere condolences go out to their families. As we board at Dover Street we are joined by men’s basketball. Their chat as I’m sure you can imagine was of the highest calibre and their bubbly personalities were simply infectious… note the irony, they were shit company.

As the pate rations began to dwindle and the journey came to an end, we arrived at our destination. What greeted us was somewhat unexpected, a “university campus” that that wouldn’t look out of place in after a nuclear fallout or from a scene of 28 Days Later. As we explored the grounds it became evident that the inhabitants of this, what could as well be war-torn Bosnia, weren’t going to be the friendly welcoming type. Fortunately for us their tekkers on the pitch had as much flair and precision of those infected with the Rage virus so we had nothing to fear (providing we managed not to get bitten).

As push back approached Mowgli conjured up a new, more attacking formation for us to try against our lesser opponents, and it seemed to be working 10 minutes and 4 goals later. However cracks began to appear as our constant attacking mentality meant we were left with 3 at the back and despite the blistering pace of Joe Bloggs and Bruce, one or two of their counter attacks called for Biebs to wake from his stupor and participate in the game. The rest of the first half comprised of fairly dismal hockey on both parts, down to the Owens boys getting a bit too excited and trying to score wonder goals every time we had the ball in their 25, and the oppo, well they’re just a poly. The halftime whistle blew to put us out of our misery and end the half, Owens 4, Poly Inbreds 0.

Yet another trademark inspirational half time team talk from Mowgli and a change of formation back to a tried and tested one led to a much better second half performance. Straight from the off the improvement was obvious, flowing hockey followed and with it many more goals; Mmmmmm sealed his hat-trick with his 3rd precision strike from the top of the D, bus driver got his 2nd and Joe Bloggs bagged a well executed flick from a short corner. Other noteworthy moments from the second half included one of Ronan Keating’s many failed attempts on goal ending up with him sprawled out on the floor with the ball dribbling embarrassingly away in the opposite direction. Moments later Mmmmmm was in search of yet another goal but instead floored C4 with a shot to the shoulder, he claims there was a deflection but the jury’s still out. And then to my antics which landed me with DOD by a landslide.

Firstly, another perfectly threaded through ball from Mmmmmm left me with no-one to beat but the scrawny spotty kid that has been dragged from his World of Warcraft and put in between the sticks for the day, plagued with complacency I nonchalantly try and fire it into top corner and turn away in arrogant pre-emptive celebration, only the hear the ricochet of the ball off the post. Minutes later my lack deftness in front of goal reared its ugly head once again. A charging run down the right by C4 left the poly defence strewn in his wake and resulted in a perfect ball flashed across the goalmouth, only to be met by my sublimely timed run to a matter of feet from the open goal… as you can guess my composure in front of goal had yet again deserted me and the shot that should have been barely a tap in was nothing but high, wide and handsome. What followed were several prime opportunities for redemption of my two previous shockers but the poise and finesse I so desired was nowhere to be seen, Mowgli had seen enough and I would see out the rest of the game from the bench.

Despite my performance the Owens boys still showed their class, with inspiring runs from right back Comb-over, grit and determination by C4 to overcome his broken shoulder to score his customary goal and a superb top corner finish by Jack Wills in the dying seconds of the game to seal the double digit victory.

The final whistle blew and MMU were put out of their misery, final score 10-0 to the mighty Owens and although it wasn’t pretty at times the overall performance was something John Owens himself would be proud of. It was the perfect afternoon preceding what would turn out to be a night of rich celebrations, tie presentations to all fresher’s and even a special guest appearance from a local Fallowfield resident keen to get in on the action.

Goals: Mmmmmmm 3, Bus Driver 2, Jack Wills 2, Joe Bloggs 1, C4 1, Comb-over 1

MOM: Mmmmmmm for a well-deserved Hat trick

DOD: Blue Steel for turning into a nervous wreck at the thought of scoring

Owens love as always,

Blue Steel x

Wednesday saw the boys travel to Lancaster, a dark, dreary dump in the North West. The day unfortunately didn’t start as we’d hoped, with the AU cocking up transport arrangements with Bruce and myself driving round Piccadilly Train Station like a tool trying to find Manchester Van Hire, it wasn’t even midday and I’d had enough. A 2.00 pm meet saw all the boys arrive, full of joy and anticipation apart from a very wet ginger called ‘soggy’ who hasn’t quite got the idea of what playing for the Owens is all about yet…

Anyway I digress; we boarded the minibus in plenty of time in search of our first league win of the season. The chat on the mini bus was mainly focused on David Scarrett, a man who has recently taken up a career, in modelling. For more information about hiring the 6’0ft, brown eyed Dave visit his portfolio http://davidscarrett.co.uk. As we talked about what on earth Dave was thinking and after a strange bang from the underneath of my new toy, it quickly became apparent that we had a flat tyre. Brilliant. As the driver, I found the need to try and fix the minibus it wasn’t as easy as it looked. Allington and myself struggled for some time until we managed to get the spare wheel out, meanwhile Bruce was liasing with the AA to come and save us before we got mopped up by a lorry. The lovely, balding man arrived shortly afterwards and changed our wheel and we were back on the road an hour or so later and all slightly fed up. My twat-nav finally got us to our destination that looked more like an open prison than a University.

Due to our difficulties, we had almost no time to warm up and our fearless leader dropped the bombshell that he was leaving. To which many of us were baffled, we’ve only just arrived? He went on to explain how his Father and himself were going to watch Manchester United play, do you support them Bruce? No was his response. Great. Luckily we had a secret weapon that goes by the name of Trem. With a new formation of 3-5-2 we eventually started, with Mackichan about to cry and the rest of us feeling pretty unprepared.

We started well, looking better than we had done all season, with Matt running his arse off, Trem dominating at the back, this match had potential. One of the umpires was on day release, from a home up the road, which looks after, blind, clueless muppets. He had no idea where he was, let alone what sport we were playing. This made things for the Owens a little harder than we wanted and they got a breakthrough with a fluke move. After continued pressure and some moments of brilliance from the boys, Henry was left we a shot on goal. The man with the worst tomahawk in the club missed the first, I was crying inside but Hayhurst saved him and buried the second attempt, 1-1. Continued commitment from the boys and chat from the back we finished the half on top.

Second half, Bruce had gone to play with his Dad, the Captains armband passed to Trem we went out with everything. Shortly into the second half, muggings here decided he was going to hit himself in the face with the ball. A great idea, top edging Bloggs cross field pass into my face, on the one day where you’d have to do something so stupid to get D-O-D, I managed it. My face hurt, I felt embarrassed but we continued. With Bloggs and Trem throwing some serious aerials, we soon had an opportunity to make it 2-1, George did. Boom. Bi-winning. With everyone stepping up, C4 was rinsing their right back, no one was getting past Matt in the midfield, I was excited. Moments of pure clarity, we scored again, I apologise for not knowing who scored, I was slightly delirious from my blow to the face. 3-1. We continued to give it our all, but slight slip ups and moments where the umpire was running the other way to the play allowed Lancaster to score a couple of cheap goals towards the end of the game. We held out for 3-2 victory. Everyman gave his all apart from Bruce who was undoubtedly tucking into a Pukka Pie and a pint with his old man at Old Trafford. A great day, the oppo hadn’t realised we’d beaten them with 10 men which made it even better. Mentions must go to Phil a brilliant game in goal and Trem for making all the difference.

Until next time,

Croston (Blow Job Lips)

DOD – Me, for hitting myself in the face and being a useless mechanic.

MOM – It could have got to anyone but went to Trem for being better than everyone else.

Owens Till I Die x