5th Team - Manchester University Men's Hockey Team

University of Manchester Men’s Hockey Club

5th XI Match Reports

30.09.09 vs Sheffield 5ths
7.10.09 vs Nottingham 5ths
14.10.09 vs Lancaster 3's
21.10.09 vs UCLAN 3's
28.10.09 vs UCLAN 3's
18.11.09 vs Liverpool 3's
25.11.09 vs Liverpool Hope 1's

30.09.09 vs Sheffield 5ths

6-2

Scorers: Max (two), Tory Boy, Doug, Some other fresher who's name escapes me

The fifth team turned up to their first game since last years glorious promotion with a team made almost exclusively of freshers. After some desperate last minute organisation by their captain, the boys had a shaky start to their first game for the crest. After conceding what was later admitted to be "a soft goal" the mighty fives picked up considerably with some fine link ups between Doug and fresher Max up front giving us a two-one lead at half time. A rousing speach at half time by much respected captain Irish, led to four goals being spanked past Sheffields hapless fresher keeper in the second half. The game was not as one-sided as the score suggest though, with Ned Schneebly seeing it fit to help Sheffield by gifting them a number of short corners. Thankfully these led to a number of remarkable saves by the captain and an excellent goal-line clearance from Fellani. A late goal for Sheffield did little to help their brusied egos after an Owens thrashing.

Man of the Match
Max for an excellent first performance for the crest
The Deepthroat Dick of the Day Award
Deepthroat for being dropped to the fours

Irish International

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7.10.09 vs Nottingham 5ths

0-6

After last weeks convincing win the fives rocked up to the Armo full of confidence. This confidence was unfortunately eroded after 30 seconds when Nottingham tapped the first goal in past a daydreaming Irish International. This swiftly woke up the teams captain, who after shouting at his new back four, got the clueless freshers to defend. Unfortunately only the defence seemed to be playing, with Doug putting in an upfront performance worthy of a social member of the club. Tory boy, in his usual right-wing spot was too busy thinking about David Camerons visit to Manchester to track back further than the half-way line. Somehow the fives ended the second half only two-nil down.
After a furious speach by the teams angry captain and the addition of Ned Schneebly to the side, the fives started the second half much stronger, actually getting the ball close to Nottinghams D on a number of occasion. Unfortunately umpire John Farrant was trying to break his personal record for giving short corners, and a number of very minor offences (Nottingham kicking the ball, the teams brave keeper/captain sliding forwards, any Owens player making a tackle) were punished by a string of short corners. This led to Owens' heads dropping and four (very hard to save)* goals flying in by the end of what had become a shocking match.

*Only if you were Stephen Hawking - Car Crash

Man of the Match
Fresher Will for excellent damage limitation in defence

The Deepthroat Dick of the Day Award
The teams very underated captain, for making a remarkably brave save with his knee-cap and then screaming like a bitch about the pain for the next five minutes.

Irish International

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14.10.09 vs Lancaster 3's

4-4

Scorers: Max, Doug, Tory Boy, Andy.

The mighty Owen's 5's were treated to what can only be described as a schooling in driving from Car Crash up to Lancaster. Expectations were high after their league championship success last season. Whilst much promise was shown, they proved there is still work to be done.

Deployed in a new formation for the team, they quickly adpated well and to devastating effect, scoring 2 goals in the first 10 minutes. The first from Max after a valiant effort in midfield from Francis Wright. Who's Doug scored the second with a calm and collected finish. However complacency set in. Some woeful keeping led to them conceding a first, and then Schneebly completely missing the tackle on a short corner led to an equaliser for Lancaster. The owens' boys kept their spirits held high. Some glorious slick hockey down the right from the midfield led to Paul McCartney leaving Tory Boy with an open net, 2 yards out. Which he very calmly smashed up over the net, over the fence and into the fields beyond. Owens could sense the come back was on and maintained the pressure. Tory Boy forced his way into the D, set up the shot on his reverse side, and couldn't possibly miss again, firing it into the bottom left corner, leaving the score 3-2 to the owens at halftime.

There was the usual inspirational chat from captain Irish at half time, and a reversion back to our more usual 4-4-2 formation. This led to much sloppier play from both teams, finding it much harder to break through. Eventually the owen's were first to concede, again from yet another short corner. This all began to get to Schneebly, who decided to square up to the umpire at another short corner. The owen's boys kept their heads high though, despite the game taking a more physical turn to it, with the Lancaster players getting increasingly violent with their tackles. Eventually Andy forced his way through the Lancaster defence and into the D, then firing a shot past the hapless Lancaster keeper. The owen's boy's defence stood strong towards the end. But after a relentless string of short corners, with 5 minutes to go they conceded again. Again from yet another short corner, which the Lancaster player stopped with his face. Both teams pushed forward, trying to score, but ultimately, like Nick the Greek's chat up lines, failed.

The owen's boys should take pride in their performance, playing some glorious hockey at times. It is worth while noting that the Lancaster team couldn't believe we were a 5th team, and, for some reason, thought Irish was a ringer! Many players put in valiant attempts to win the ultimate prize, The Deepthroat Dick of the Day award. Including Tory Boy's attempt to launch the ball into orbit, Schneebly efforts to go 12 rounds with the umpire, and even some horrendous chat from Fellaini, Who said of a girl outside the minibus "Shes got an ass like a misshapen tumour", not of course realising the window was down and she could hear everything he said. However, despite all this, it was not a single mistake that would earn this pristigous prize, but 5 stalls of the minibus from team driver Car Crash. Man of the Match went to Will, for an epic performance in defence.

Man of the Match
Will for another solid performance.

The Deepthroat Dick of the Day Award
Car Crash for stalling the minibus 5 times

Car Crash

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21.10.09 vs UCLAN Poly 3's

6-2

Scorers: Max, Doug (4), Andy.

After last weeks opening away game at the University of Lancaster, Manchester 5s took on Preston Polytechnic in their opening game at The Armitage Sports Centre. Entering the game in good spirits and adopting the 4-3-3 formation again the Owen’s boys were aiming for a win! That win seemed to be well within their grasps when UCLAN trotted out of the dressing rooms in shorts, socks and white formal shirts looking like a throw back to a team circa 1900 (what a pity their establishment wasn’t even designed or built by then, shame on them!)

Owen’s boys started in fine form up front and reasonably fine form at the back. An early lead settled the slightest of nerve as Max (playing in a forwards role) saw us into a 1-0 lead quickly followed by a precise finish by WHO THE FUCK IS DOUG. UCLAN asserted some pressure after going 2-0 down and got one back, but in response to that WHO THE FUCK IS DOUG buried his second and Owen’s 3rd to lead 3-1 at the interval.

IRISH INTERNATIONAL was pleased to be 3-1 up but right to say at that point we did not fully deserve such a lead.

What was sure though was the pure ‘sex with sticks’ which was witnessed immediately after half term were Manchester turned on the style and punished some sorry UCLAN butts with some first a short corner buried by Andy Audley then some class passing, moving and deadly finishing from WHO THE FUCK IS DOUG and put Manchester in an unassailable 5-1 lead. Good work at the back by Gavin, NED SCHNEEBLY, Will and PARKINSONS was slightly overshadowed by a clever short corner routine that had been given a little bit too much practice to give UCLAN the slightest glimmer of hope at 5-2.

Any such hopes were dead and buried as WHO THE FUCK IS DOUG turned in his 4th and Owen’s 6th to finish UCLAN off. They kept knocking at the door in the last few minutes but an assured second half saw the 5's come out deserved winners. Special shout to the umpires BEANSTALK and the other dude (who was very strict – but good) for their good umpiring (unlike at Lancaster!)

Back at Robbo’s after the game and after all the usual early season bullshit from the opposition over how nine of the players had never picked up a stick before, two of them don’t speak English, six of them didn’t own a pair of astro boots, eight of them were on the lash the night before, the captain had never captained a side before and the goal-keeper found his electronic tagging device under the pads uncomfortable,…they managed to get a side together for a boat race, which as can be seen here on Facebook, didn’t just get defeated by our fresher’s, they in fact didn’t just got thrashed, they were obliterated!

The Man of the Match contest saw a close call between WHO THE FUCK IS DOUG and NED SCHNEEBLY but quite rightly the four goal hero came out on top. Dick of the Day saw a frenzy of votes but Francis Wright's Union Jack boxers on show all game and CARCRASH for 1) Playing with a hernia, 2) having a personalised number plate and 3) (according to IRISH) having gay aids.

A great day with a great result for the 5's, the unbeaten league record in tact! .

Man of the Match
Doug.

The Deepthroat Dick of the Day Award
Francis Wright and Car Crash

Ned Schneebly

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28.10.09 vs UCLAN Poly 3's

4-3 (after extra time)

Scorers: Doug (2), Tory Boy (2).

For the second week running James ‘Irish International’ Conolly’s 5th team prepared to take on the 3rd team from what was formally known as Lancashire Polytechnic. The 5's had faced UCLAN only week before and prevailed 6-2 winners, therefore expectations and spirits were high that more of the same could be delivered today.

Starting with Irish’s preferred 4-3-3 formation the Owen’s Boys set around the task of trying to reach round two of the cup with a solid first twenty minute bombardment of the UCLAN D eventually the pressure paid off and Adam ‘Tory Boy’ Masters put us into the lead after a long field clearance from Daniel ‘Ned Schneebly’ Wakefield. Shortly after, and notably, after some excellent build up Doug ‘who the fuck’ Williamson scored probably the pick of the days goals.

Manchester continued to dominate for large periods of the first half and the back line had little to do! However, with just five minutes to go before half time Owen’s fell asleep and allowed UCLAN to take a long corner un-marked and the forwards strolled in the D and powered home a shot! This was a warning of what was to come from the forwards who minutes later managed to evaded three tackles before launching the ball into the roof of the net. Half-time 2-2!

If ever a speech was needed at half time it was today. The rouse of Churchill, the fist of Thatcher or power and presence of Blair sprung to mind. However, the quote “Right…………...errr………….…hmmmm………….…am not to happy lads” may not stand the time as “we will fight them on the beeches” but the chat between Xander ‘Carcrash/ Mourinho’ Robinson (manager for the day) and Irish managed to rally the troops and prepare us for the second half.

The second half was a half of domination and counter attack. Manchester continued to play good attacking hockey and penetrate the D, but some inspired goal keeping, some narrow missed chances and an unfortunate stop from an Andy ‘self dubbed Iron Man’ Audley strike by Phil ‘Genesis’ Collins (would it or would it not have gone in!?) kept the sides level.

Finally a period of pressure lead to a shot at goal being volleyed clear by the UCLAN defender and left no option for the umpire (Pikey) to award a penalty flick. The tension to go 3-2 up with ten minutes to go was to much for Charlie ‘Paul McCartney’ McLeod’s who could not watch. Thankfully Doug ‘who the fuck’ Williamson managed to get the ball home and set up a rousing last ten minutes. However, shortly after a short corner from UCLAN lead to another equaliser and a last five pursuit from both sides to snatch what would have been a winner!

At full time with the scores level Owen’s picked up the ball from deep within their half and pressurised the UCLAN goal. After a few attempts at goal the ball fell kindly to Adam ‘Tori Boy’ Masters who drove into the D an unleashed a stinging shot into the corner of the goal and set up a scene reminisce to that of the Everton players when Dan Gosling slotted home a last minute injury time winner to knock Liverpool out of last seasons FA Cup and sink their chances of winning anything to nil from the better outside view of fuck all chance! But I digress!

Noticeable performances today we must mention Francis Wright and Will ‘Dr Watson’ Ramsden. So despite dominating the game the 5's were in the end thankful to scrape through in dramatic circumstances. So now through to the second round and the draw pits us against Keele University 1st team who play in BUCSHoc North M 3A. This may pose a real test for the 5s but one we will be keen to take! And looking further ahead if the 2s manage to overcome Lancaster 2s and we defeat Keele there could be an all mighty battle between the 2s and 5s. Just on that if anyone (from the fifths) wants a little light reading to prepare mentally for such a clash read the match report in the 22-0 victory and the line about how Warrington play compared to how the 5s play!

Back to Robbo’s after the game and our usual boat race, which for the second week running the 5s defeated UCLAN, with such a canter that Daniel ‘Ned Schneebly’ Wakefield managed to sink his pint in 5th place drinking it as if it was a fine old conserve (not the shit that is lager)!

Man of the match was a close vote between Adam ‘Tory Boy’ Masters and Daniel ‘Ned Schneebly’ Wakefield and the later just piped the vote by one. Schneebly added to his man of the match award by picking up “Dick of the Day” by a slightly wider margin but for three different reasons: 1. Being asked for ID and then refused entry to Robbo’s on Tuesday night (am twenty fucking seven!), 2. According to Xander dribbling too much and 3. Complaining about Xander's decision to much! (Thanks Doug)

Via text tonight [30-10-2009] though I have been asked (by the guy himself) to mention Andy ‘Self-dubbed Iron Man’ Audley’s heroics for not just turning up but putting in a full shift for the boys despite his arm being cut wide open, fractured pelvis and numerous cuts and bruises after his traumatic bike accident. Well done man!

So another win for the Owen’s boys and Irish’s unbeaten start to the league and cup campaign continues. Well done all!

Man of the Match
Ned Schneebly.

The Deepthroat Dick of the Day Award
Ned Schneebly

Ned Schneebly

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18.11.09 vs Liverpool 3's

3-1

Scorers: Faiz.

University of Liverpool 3's 3
University of Manchester 5's 1

On Wednesday the Owen’s 5th team travelled down the M62 (via quite a detour to get out of Manchester thanks to our remarkably look-a-like and frighteningly eye impression to David Blunkett) to Liverpool. Liverpool is a fine old city whose linguistic derivation is an interesting one. Apparently deriving from two old English words meaning Boggy Water the town is first mentioned in the Anglo-Saxon Chronicles when King Edmund sailed up a creek of the Mersey and discovered Muddy Pools. Who later went on to become on of the greatest blues guitarists of the 9th century.

James ‘Irish International’ Conolly set out with his preferred 4-3-3 formation even against a side which on paper were favourites for the game. After a rousing and warning speech before the push back (Irish and Sneebly respectfully) the game started and Owen’s through a good short corner routine found themselves one-nil down. Liverpool continued to dominate the Manchester goal, however, half chances did fall at the other end but it (from the back anyway) seemed that things were not necessarily quite falling for us in the attacking third.

After a slightly controversial free hit award just outside the 23M line Liverpool drilled the ball into the D and an unfortunate deflection off Gavin’s stick managed to completely wrong foot, Daniel ‘Ned Schneebly’ Wakefield, Irish Andy and James ‘Irish International’ Conolly. 2-0 Liverpool.

At the other end only a goal line stop prevented Andy ‘Self Titled Iron Man’ Audley from pulling one back. Still the game was end to end in the run up to half time with both sides having further half chances to extend or reduce the lead depending on your side that is!

At half-time a few issues were ironed out and the boys were ready to go again. No sticks in and on three because…apparently (Charlie ‘Paul McCartney’ McLeod) it is too gay when your losing (well perhaps Macca did not want to be seen doing ‘gay’ things in Liverpool, wood be quite damaging to the reputation he has carved [there are two intentional puns there if you read and check the spelling carefully]).

The second half started and it was crucial the Owen’s boys got back into the game. After 20 minutes of gritty end to end hockey Owen’s short corner routine(s) paid off and Faiz managed to slot home, 2-1…game on!

Not for long…from the push back Manchester won the ball back and immediately gave it away and a break was on, into the Owen’s D. It was at this point for the first time all season Irish and Schneebly managed to get them selves involved in a no talking, no man, no ball tangle. Irish steamed out and decided to take out Schneebly, whilst he stood awaiting the tackle. 3-1! Game over!

Owen’s did push and tried hard, but on the day, Liverpool were credit for their win, they were just a bit better than us in all areas and undoubtedly had the rub of the green on the luck (not particularly the umpiring who were with one exceptionally bad decision were quite good).

Just on that note the umpire said “Liverpool player you are not 5 meters” so I hit/passed it and he touched it and suddenly then he was 5 meters! I can imagine it looked awful but that was a ridiculous decision!

At the end of the game changing rooms (4/10) showers (6/10) and food/drinks with the opposition (0/10) – or in other words piss poor hospitality, so unusual for that to happen in Liverpool (My mum was disgusted when I told her at the weekend she said we could have come round to the Wakefield residence as she would have made some food for us!).

The coach journey back included the CAVA CHALLENGE to celebrate the captains looming 21st Birthday celebration. 13 out of the 14 players had a whole bottle, however, Herman de German did not quite manage all of his and the bottles of Bucks Fizz should really have convened CHALLENGE rules. The fine crystal glasses (in the loosest terms) and nibbles brought a degree of elegance and a middle class element to proceedings!

Man of the match was shared between a few nominations but over all Gregg ‘Parkinsons’ Lloyd was clearly Man of the Match. A well deserved award today for the full back. Dick of the Day, or the DT Dick of the Day however, is becoming a much politicised and monopolised award. It again, for the second game running, went to yours truly DJ Wakefield for some most truly pathetic, nit picking, unjust reasons including, arguing with the umpire whilst letting the player stroll past into the D (that was the 5M rule thing), being abused by Liverpool University Men’s 1st team for telling someone to help on the line (if the lazy midfield did - that wouldn’t have happened), one award was given for nearly being killed by Gavin’s Cava cork! There was another stupid nomination and then Herman de German is forced into voting for me because he does not know anyone else! Utter Bollocks!

So, as James ‘Irish International’ Conolly match report at circle mentioned, all good things must come to an end (Old English Proverb, Or ‘All Good things..’ Wikipedia that – some sad bastards out there!) our 100% league record is gone and now we must re-group and prepare for another Liverpool at The Armitage on Wednesday. This time Liverpool Hope Univers… no I can’t quite write University as in University of Manchester!

So as the scales of time are confronted by the Kerry Katona of eternity and the cubical of destiny is selected by the George Michael of fate I notice it’s the end of the match report.
Good night!

Man of the Match
Parkinsons.

The Deepthroat Dick of the Day Award
Ned Schneebly

Ned Schneebly

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